11.22.10

I love today.

I love today because I finally had the chance to sleep in until 8:30.

I love today because it is currently 60 degrees outside and the sun is shinning. My absolute favorite kind of weather. It is perfect for the boots, coat, and scarf I'm currently wearing and doesn't call for an umbrella to be lugged around or a hoodie to be worn.

I love today because I didn't have to work this morning so I'm currently sitting in Aromas listening to Jim Brickman on Pandora and leisurely reading over my theory notes.

I love today because it is the day before I get to go home and see my family, and two days before Disneyland with Margo.

I love today because yesterday was a great day. I sat in Starbucks enjoying every bit of my time there studying for my theory test and people watching. And then I got to see a friend I've been secretly missing.

I love today because there's left over pizza for lunch and crack cookies in the CASA office.

I love today because despite my midterm and quiz I have to take tomorrow, I don't feel an ounce of stress.

I love today because I feel pretty and smiley and relatively happy. And I haven't felt this way in a while.

I love today because it's only 11:ooam and things can only get better from this point on.

The only thing that could possibly make me love today any more is if I had a giant pile of leaves to play in :) I miss Chicago!

Happy Monday Everyone. I hope you're enjoying it as much as I am.

SEARCH XXVI

I've attempted to blog 8 times in the past 5 days and came up with nothing. I've seemed to have lost my creative energy, but because I felt a weekly update was necessary this is what I've managed...

I wish it were April 23rd today, and that I was packing my bags in nervous excitement eager to board the bus that would mark the beginning of the most amazing weekend of my life. A weekend full of more love than I knew what to do with, more tears than I believed I could ever cry, and more community than I realized I had.

I'm jealous of the 60 or so students who are frantically packing their business casual clothes without any idea of why they have to bring them, who are reminding themselves over and over to keep an open mind because that is what they've been told to do, and who are battling a small amount of anxiety because they've been warned that this weekend will change their lives - or at least the rest of their time spent at USD. I'm jealous of these 60 students because these are the feelings I wish were running through my body right now instead of this bad energy I can't seem to shake.

I've had a perfectly pleasant week, perhaps even better than normal (I semi-crashed my dad's car and didn't get in trouble, got 105% on my Stats midterm, and finalized the plans for Hunger and Homelessness Awareness Week!) but I'm bitter, and angry, and sad, and frustrated, and a multitude of other things I can't name. I wish I could turn my brain off for 30 minutes, take a break from thinking, and wondering, and talking myself in and out of feeling a particular way and just sit and listen to witnesses, hold the hand of my best friend, and stay up late at night sitting on bunk beds talking about the weekend we're experiencing.

I'd give almost anything for it to be the weekend of April 23rd today (like being yelled at by my dad for crashing his car instead of the understanding response I received).

I can't go back in time and re-experience the weekend of April 23rd, but I can drink wine and pray for everyone who decided to open their hearts to the experience of SEARCH XXVII. And I can reflect back on my experience, what made it so amazing, and how exactly it changed my life.

T.B.I.Y.T.C

Waiting for cabin assignments!

Family Group reflection!

The perfect group of people to experience the perfect weekend with!

Meet Matty

I don't know what I would do without this boy... or his family for that matter.

At 6:30 I told Matty I needed a friend and by 8:00 I was sitting on his couch holding his new puppy surrounded by his family. If ever I felt more loved by people I'm not blood related to I don't recall. Not only did they occupy my brain with pointless conversation and snap random pictures of me playing with Chubs, but made me a full dinner (steak, salad, corn, bread, and peppermint ice cream!) after I grabbed a water bottle and some crackers to snack on.

I could see how tired Matty was but he talked to me anyways. Listening to every pointless thing I had to say and adding in awkward comments here and there to make me laugh. He reassured me that it was okay that I feel nothing right now and that he would be around when the time came when I faced the sadness I can't seem to find.

We are very different people, Matty and me. I'm affectionate and emotional and he's basically a rock (I'm constantly telling him he gives terrible hugs, and make him hug me until he does it right). But he gets me. He knows how to respond to my manic moments and my ridiculously depressive ones. He picks up the pieces when my life falls apart and grounds me when I need it. He doesn't spit advice at me or tell me how to respond in situations, in fact, he is constantly trying to empower me to figure things out on my own.

Matty is my person.

I don't know where I'd be without him.

Actually I do...

I'd probably be in the library

because after all

I used to be library girl.

Six People With One Thing In Common

Recently I've been the recipient of so much love.

I've realized that each person in my life expresses their love in a different way.

I don't mean love in the romantic kind of way.

Rather, the love of friendship, of family, of showing someone how important they are even in their worst state.

I am loved.

By more than one person.

In many different ways.

The six people pictured below helped me survive my weekend.

They expressed love the only way they knew how given the circumstances.

I am forever thankful for each one of them.

Because today the sun is shining.

I have a smile on my face.

And my stress for the week is non-existent.

I feel alive and I am free.

Thank you for carrying me to the parking lot, giving me 3 minutes, and screaming back at me. Thank you for listening to me cry, dragging me out of my house, and making me dinner. Thank you for letting me borrow shoes, share incredibly detailed stories with you, and curl up in a ball on your couch and watch romantic comedies. :)

Thank you for your simple words. They put a world of love in my heart. "I didn't want to be there with them because I only wanted to be with you. I only like being here with you." Also, you are probably the funniest person I have ever met in my entire life. Thank you for keeping me laughing. For helping me pick out shoes and dresses and making my room smell like alcohol. :)

Thank you for recognizing my sadness but not questioning it, for putting your arms around me and holding me, and for being silly at the perfect times. Thank you for wanting to be near me, for making me smile, and for challenging me. Thank you for distracting me from homework, for being a positive stress reliever, and for phone calls :)

Thank you for your kindness. It is unbelievable. Thank you for dropping my homework off for me, for driving with me to pick up my sister, and re-watching Modern Family with me every week because I haven't seen it yet. Thank you for letting me choose movies, for morning messages left on the bathroom mirror, and acting like a puppy when I leave for class or work in the mornings. You are the best roomie I could have asked for! :)

Mommmmmmy! Thank you for skyping with me 3 times in 2 days, for answering my 100 phone calls, and getting me to calm down. For helping me create a halloween costume, finding me shoes on your lunch break, shopping for dresses at Free People, and knowing me better than I know myself. I can't wait until Thursday when we spend the day together, and giggle about how ridiculous my life is. I miss you so much, and I love you even more! :)

I am filled with love right now.

It is emanating out of my pores.

And shining through my eyes.

Thank you for your love.

And allowing me to love you back.

Words of Wisdom

I wanted to wait until the end of the semester to post this blog... unfortunately my utter lack of self control has taken over and I can no longer resist.

Against my better judgement I signed up for a second Ethnic Studies class after my horrendous bout with one last semester. To my surprise, this course is full of rich unbiased conversation among individuals who are not afraid to obliterate this idea of political correctness.

I think I fell deeper in love with this course because of the professor who teaches it. Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful individual who not only has the coolest tattoo but is beyond hilarious without even trying.

Below are a list of quotes I've frantically scrawled down in the margins of my notebook over the last 8 weeks. Perhaps they aren't funny out of context or appear utterly inappropriate, but that pretty much defines this particular professor. Out of context and inappropriate. I am in love.

"Crazy dykes on bikes"

"There's my mother who is sacred but the rest of you are bitches"

"You're the butt or you're the mother"

"She's some scary shit"

"Everyones an essay, now the nation is falling apart"

"Oh hell, I'm running off to the mountains to shoot guns and stuff"

"Its like hell no... you don't even know"

"Yo mama's so fat when she stands on the corner the cops drive by and say 'break it up! right?'"

"I got a whole bunch of yo mama jokes"

"Shut that shit off"

"I feel like were in hell"

"People would throw my book against the wall and say, 'you're fucked up'"

"Fuck you too"

"Its like, all right, go to hell"

"Their gonna be like oh hell, and were gonna be like CULTURE!"

"I don't wanna say balls.... VAGINA!"

"I'm gonna get you dyke, I'm gonna get you"

"I saw that one getting out of the shower all naked!"

"Its spreading seeds like a giant penis right?"

To be continued...

Thank You For Listening

To you, I appear indifferent

My brown hair, hazel eyes, and pale skin automatically define me

Being privileged means I don't understand

Means I will never understand

You think I don't listen to what you have to say

That I sit with my knees to my chest and drown out your words

Counting down the minutes until class is dismissed

When I can continue on with my perfect pleasant life

But you are wrong

So very wrong

I want nothing more than to absorb your thoughts

Accept your experiences as valid

To learn from you

You don't see this

Because to you, I am indifferent

Today, you silenced me

I pointed out your contradictions

And you faltered

Unprepared to hear the thoughts in my head

You would never know, but I've been listening

Hearing every word you've spoken these past 4 weeks

I am not your enemy

You are your enemy

Proven by your countless contradictions

And unwillingness to see them

I just want to help

Help you understand

I am not against you

My words are just as valid as yours

But you don't recognize this

Because I oppress you with my indifference

But I am not indifferent

You do not have the right to reject me

To blow over my comments, my thoughts, my concerns

Who are you to decide what is significant

Your words or mine?

I am the outsider

Without allies in this 'safe space'

Listen to me

Hear me

Because I've been listening to you

Not judging you

Accepting you

My brown hair, hazel eyes, and pale skin don't make me indifferent

They make me white

You are black

They are hispanic

But I am white

And brave

And open

And curious

I am listening

You are the contradiction

And I am not indifferent

Angel

I'm a certain kind of emo at 1:21 am on a Tuesday night after 3 classes, 7 hours of work, a rainy day, and two pages to go on Dr. Schlichtman's essay on the agency and structural causes of homelessness, therefore I'm going to leave you with this...

I want nothing more than someone to feel this way about me someday

I'll blog tomorrow or thursday when sleep and sanity have returned to my life