Home's Lessons.

What I learned after spending 8 days at home:

I'm an adult now. If you didn't know, that's okay because apparently I didn't either. How did I come to this realization you ask? Well, my mother found it appropriate to remind me three times, "Taylor, just remember you're an adult now" before I opened my one of my presents Christmas morning.

Regardless of what you may have heard... bowling does not increase my sex appeal. I was in a bowling league during 5th grade and was mighty good might I add, but apparently my expertise diminished over the years and all that's left to show for such greatness was a measly score of 71 after 10 frames.

Maybe it isn't as appropriate to show up in your pjs when visiting friends at home as it is here in San Diego. I went to have dinner and play games with my best friend (since I was three) and not only did her dad (my second dad) ask how much wine I consumed because I'm a "light weight" as he put it, but questioned my attire when saying "Taylor, it sure was nice of you to dress up for me. Gosh." - Sorry Mike, I'm on vacation. You're lucky I showered before coming over. Love you! Night!

Apparently its cause for great concern in my house if I refuse to dress myself in discarded ribbons and bows on Christmas Eve, and even greater cause for concern if I'm not wandering around the house with an alcoholic beverage in my hand. What have I created of myself?!

Seven loads of laundry only means I have wayyyyyy too many clothes and am way too cheap to buy my own laundry detergent and pay 3 dollars per load. Transporting all this laundry back to San Diego was quite a task. Dirty laundry fits in one hamper while clean laundry fills an extra two trash bags.

It really doesn't matter if I put on a vintage dress, heals, make up, and curl my hair... I still look like I'm fourteen. You don't believe me? Well, heres a real life conversation between one of my mom's co-workers and me Christmas Eve day...

"Jodi! She looks just like you. How old are you honey?

"Oh, I'm 22"

"Oh my gosh! You look so young! I thought you were 14. But you're beautiful!!"

"Oh, thanks"

My dad and I are closer now than ever before. Perhaps its because of our daily trips to get coffee (where each time I lie about how good my coffee is and throw it away before he realizes I haven't finished it), bonding over our favorite U2 songs in the car, and endlessly shopping together for the perfect Christmas presents.

No matter how old I get... 20... 21...22, driving eastbound on the 91 freeway will always make me feel giddy, and no matter how old I get, Trey will always seem 16 and sharing a bottle of wine over dinner with him will always seem strange. (Also, my families awareness of my seeing said boy is pretty hilarious)

Home is my sanctuary. With a full size bed, cable TV, home cooked meals, and lots and lots of cuddling. Plus endless reasons to make my parents question my sanity, my intelligence, and my being in general... did they really give birth to such a politically incorrect, crude, and impolite child? Well yes, but parents, I only act as such around you... for the very reason of forcing you to question my sanity. It's quite entertaining :)

My Uncle Gary is quite possibly my favorite person alive. Not only does be buy me books for Christmas (he totally understands my need for fiction, oh, and overpriced clothing stores), but he sends me text messages about how pretty I looked the night before and humiliating videos from Thanksgiving which I would share but my roommate advised me not to, plus it wouldn't upload... maybe another time

I sincerely hope everyone enjoyed their time at home as much as I did!

Happy Holidays : )

The contents of a tiny box

In my dresser I keep a box that I pull out on rare occasions to remind myself of how loved I am. Inside this floral stationary box are my most prized possessions dating as far back as the day I was born. To an outsider it would appear random and meaningless... but each item inside has a story of its own and a reason for being stored in a special place.

In the midst of studying for finals and wishing so desperately I were home in Chino with my family, I pulled this box out for the first time this year and spent a few minutes reflecting on the contents of it.

Here is what I found...

* A total of 5 pictures

* A birthday card from the early 90s

* A strange pencil drawing

* "Why you are the apple of my eye"

* A prayer card

* A house key

* Random pieces of jewelry

* A candy bar wrapper

* An oval shaped piece of crystal

* Return address stickers

* "It's a girl" button from St. Joseph's hospital

* Yellow victoria secret underwear

* Varsity pins from my cheerleading days

* And an assortment of hand written letters, notes, and poems

* A guitar pick

I read the letters and notes and poems and cried. I looked diligently at the pictures and laughed. I tried on the jewelry and ran my fingers across the random objects and smiled.

I think everyone should have a little box of memories. It makes for a wonderful surprise and serves as the happiness you can't seem to find on gloomy days during finals week when your favorite new friend moves away and the only thing you have to look forward to is a week and a two hour drive away...

I love this little box of mine :)

And all the people who have contributed to it's existence.

Mommy

Daddy

Grandma and Grandpa Don

Grandma and Grandpa Gailing

Trey

Uncle Jeff

Amanda

Ryan

Uncle Gary

Fredo

Chubis

Matty

Rob

Sanjay.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Treyber

Once upon a time I fell in love with you...

Now you are 1,000 distant memories crammed in a cardboard box on the top shelf of my closet at my parents house two hours away.

Now you are an essay I wrote in 12th grade english stored in an envelope at the bottom of my dresser drawer addressed to you so one day when we are 40 I'll find you and send it to you.

Now you are the pajama pants your brother gave me for Christmas that I still wear even 6 years later because I refuse to get rid of them.

Now you are the stories I recall on Thanksgiving and Christmas to the people who once thought of you as one of us because you were so much a part of my life and they loved you for that.

Now you are a name I speak often to people who have never met you but know that I loved you first, before anyone else had the chance and that I had the privilege of experiencing my most awkward years with you.

Now you are a sadness I carry around in my heart because I was silly and made a terrible mistake that severed our friendship and put a distance greater than any 6 hour drive between us.

I'm sorry.

More sorry than you know.

You loved me first.

You broke my heart first.

Thank you for forgiving me.

Thank you for putting up with me.

Thank you....

Because my 'once upon a time' really did end with 'happily ever after.'

I Need You To Know

I need you to know that I can't do this alone

And alone is how I'm doing it

I need you. I need your unconditional love

your constant support, your friendship

Please don't judge me

Because I really need you to accept me

Maybe I am making a terrible mistake

Setting myself up for tears, and hurt, and regret

But maybe, just maybe... I'm not

Maybe it will all be worth it in the end

But let's say you are right and my heart shatters

You pick up all the pieces and sew them back together

You hold my hand, dry my eyes, help me to heal

I will remember your kindness forever

And one day down the road, once I'm whole again

I bet I'll be able to tell you that it was worth it in the end.

It was worth it in the end.

It was worth it in the end.

I need you to know

that I understand you are in a difficult situation

Because all you know is what I tell you

The contradictions, the sadness, the confusion

But you don't see what I see

And feel what I feel, and know what I know

Because sometimes words can't explain these things

And when I try they come out messy and jumbled

But I need you to know

That he looks at me with a curious sadness in his eyes

And it feels so right to be wrapped up in his arms

I need you to know

That I get the butterflies every time he kisses me

And when I'm around him my heart beats so fast

that sometimes I can't even respond to his questions

I need you to know

That he has an honesty I've never known before

And he isn't afraid to tell me what he's thinking

I need you to know

That he stares at me because he thinks I'm beautiful

And I fight off the goosebumps when he holds my hand

I need you to know

That we have conversations that last for hours

About life, our passions, who we are, and who we want to be

I need you to know

That he challenges me in a way I've never been challenged before

And that these challenges come from the best of places

I need you to know

That he scares me, really scares me

But it's exciting, and new, and different

I need you to know

That I catch myself smiling when I think of him

and that I've never felt more brave in my life

I need you to know what I can't explain

I need you to see what I see

Because I need you to support me

to process with me, to listen to me

Because sometimes I think I'm crazy.

But there is something that keeps me coming back.

And until I know what that is, I need you by my side.

Love me for me. Because I can only be me.

This is what I choose. So choose it with me.

Any maybe, just maybe... it will be worth it in the end

It will be worth it in the end.

iPhones and Heinekens

Last night my cousin recalled the first time I ever drank alcohol. And then proceeded to attempt to bring me back to the state I was in that summer night over international waters crammed in a tiny room with the 4 boys I love the most in this world. (I allowed him to because 1. I haven't been out in a really long time and 2. it was my brothers birthday so we were celebrating for him). It worked for the most part, however 151 desguised in a shampoo bottle does something to your brain/body that 3 heinekens and 1/2 an AMF can't do to you. Thank goodness.

But being here in the states instead of in the middle of the ocean on your way to Jamaica, or Mexico, or the Grand Cayman Islands or wherever we were headed that particular night allows for the use of cellphones - my worst enemy on drunken nights.

My name is Taylor and I'm a serial drunk dialer.

This started the second time I ever drank alcohol (at home in my brothers room the summer before college). I called nearly everyone in my phone and left wonderful messages for all of them. Now 4 years later I've moved on from drunk dialing to drunk texting... ohhhhh technology. I usually remember to delete phone numbers before going out, or to give my phone to someone to hold, and in the worst of cases I delete all my text messages before reading them in the morning... but last night I braved carrying my phone around and then proceeded to read my text messages this morning.

The winning texts of the night:

"adios mother f*****"

(without the asterisks... that would be the name of the drink my cousin handed to me when I returned from the restroom)

"hes cute but kinda looks like a horse"

"your taking up 60% of my brain"

The first two were sent to my mother who responded with "hahaha oh God" and called me this morning to ask if "adios mother f*****" meant that I had a bad night.

The last was sent to a boy I shouldn't be texting sober (let alone drunk) and received no response until much later this morning. I was utterly terrified upon reading it, threw my phone across my room and rolled over to go back to sleep.

I'm an honest drunk.

My deepest most darkest secrets come out while intoxicated.

If I miss you, you're going to get a text message that says so.

If I think someone looks like a horse, well... I'll probably just tell my mother that.

If I've stalked you on Facebook in the last week you're going to know within a few minutes of me reciting your life story back to you based on the information I've gathered from your public webpage...

Sometimes this is problematic, other times it makes for some REALLY good stories once the embarrassment has subsided.

My mom and I had a great conversation when I finally crawled out of bed and the boy whose was in 60% of my brain apparently had me in some % of his and we had an awkward coffee session this morning (awkward only because I'm awkward, and don't do well with my heart telling me one thing and my brain another... but my coffee was good, and conversation was good, and seeing said boy was good, and it got me away from my Christmas tree that is brutally attacking my eyes, throat and skin for about an hour).

The moral of this post is that if you receive a random or intensely honest text message from me late at night assume I'm intoxicated, delete it, and then pretend I never sent it. Because that's what I'll do and we can all live happily ever after.

The end.