Monday, January 24, 2011

Spring Semester

I secretly love the first day of classes.
Kind of like how I secretly love finals week,
and staying up all night writing papers,
and spending endless hours in the library cramming for exams.
I get this sick satisfaction out of it.

Seriously,
no sarcasm here.

Today is especially exciting because it's my last first day of classes,
ever...
...well,
until I decide I'm ready to take on all that is grad school.

But obviously I've got my suspicions that the first day of classes in grad school will not be
nearly as enthralling as they are here at USD.

I woke up this morning feeling hung over and upon turning off my alarm asked myself,
"did I even drink last night?"
No I didn't
obviously first day of school nerves were kicking in.
I put on my best outfit
(dingy white shorts and an old CASA t-shirt with the cute little hole in the front)
straightened my hair, threw on some mascara,
and left for school.

I'm definitely something to look at today;
all the little freshman in their cute matching shirts don't stand a chance.

After an uncomfortable ride on the tram,
coffee that tasted like my first summer away from home
and constantly wondering if I packed enough food for an 11 hour day on campus
I arrived at the business school
which is perhaps the one place I feel the most uncomfortable
And I actually called USD home for 3 consecutive years.

Seriously, why is a science class in Olin Hall
where the room numbers are in no comprehendible order?

I was banking on my class being full of wide-eyed freshman
who would entertain me for the next 4 months with their silly dorm room drama
who would become my allies
and let me sneak them beer on our field trip to the brewery
but sadly, and yes, I mean sadly
I found my class to be full of soulless, outspoken, brown-nosing, seniors.
And alpha-phi's at that.
GOD HELP ME!

Does it really matter if ALL your friends are in your lab section?
(I mean, come on - we only have lab 9 times this semester!)
Would you announce to the class that you have ALOT of friends
so you can't sit next to every single one of them?
Or propose a way to divide the class so all 14 of your friends are in your 16 person lab section?

Well, if you are a late arriving,
blond haired,
Starbucks carrying
I am better than everyone thinking,
God's gift to the world
alpha phi
then you would answer YES to all of the above.

True life - I have lab with the soulless girl in the second row
And all 14 of her bestest friends.

Now do you understand why I love the first day of classes so much!?

After wanting to shoot myself in the face I was greeted by
"so how do we feel about sex in the morning?!"
Thank God for normalcy.
I thought I was going to dread Friday classes,
but now I think I'm going to set my alarm early
to make sure I'm on time
to listen to a 45 year old woman
talk about sex for an hour.
Seriously, sexualities, I'm ready for you
and all your uncomfortable class lectures
and awkward documentaries,
and giggle fits with all my Sociology major friends who are NOT alpha phis.

I have one more class today
I think it's safe to say there will be no alpha phis in this one
Outdoor Leadership?
They can't possibly be interested in camping
and hiking
and getting dirty?
Only downside - 3 hours

Today is wonderful
An early morning text message started my day off wonderfully
And free mac and cheese in CASA for lunch was a great surprise
And tonight the Bachelor is on and Laila is my TV date

Hello busy schedule
It's nice to have you back
:)

Post Script: I do not dislike ALL alpha phis.
In fact, there are two I enjoy very very much.
But those in my Plants and People class
ohhhh myyyy.





Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Maybe...

And maybe it is the expectations we keep that prevents us from finding happiness.
Nothing. No one.
Is ever quite what we want.
Is ever deserving of our full attention.
Is ever enough.


And maybe it is the over estimation of our capacity to deal with emotional pain that breaks us.
Hearts were not built for recklessness.
Take chances.
Make mistakes.
But healing only takes place a limited number of times.


And maybe it is our acute awareness of our surroundings that causes us to lose faith.
Intuition is a gift.
An enemy.
To know is to lose.
And ignorance is bliss.


And maybe it is the intensity of everyones' confidence, everywhere we go, that forces us to constantly question ourselves.
Every ounce of confidence is merely a front.
An effort to shield ourselves from the vulnerabilities of authenticity.
Embrace your insecurities for what they are.
Be humble. Be unique.


And maybe believing everything happens for a reason just prohibits us from accepting that some things cannot and will not ever be justified.
But isn't that life?
Spontaneous and unexplainable.
Happening to you.
Not for you.


And maybe it is my friendship with a very interesting person that puts these thoughts in my head.
Perhaps I'm secretly a genius.
Or just full of shit.
Looking for something. Someone.
To believe in.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

A Stranger's Kindness.

There have been very few moments in my life where I'm truly surprised by another person's actions because I've allowed my heart to be hardened. Hardened by all the crap this world spills out and the lack of visible good. All the pain and grief and sadness that overwhelms our right to be happy.

And because of this, I've found that I often lose my faith in humanity. Where is all the compassion? The love? The kindness that everyone is longing for?

Recently I'd lost this faith, not for any real reason, I just haven't seen the kindness that I expect out of people.

I'm exhausted. Exhausted because I've smiled at hundreds of people these past 24 hours with few sincere responses. Why is everyone so afraid of eye contact, acknowledging each other's presence, and genuinely replying to questions of well being?

I dreaded having to work a double shift today. I wanted nothing more than to nap all afternoon, cook dinner and watch a movie... but responsibility called and at 6:30 I returned to work to smile at insincere people for an additional four hours this evening.

But now, I am very thankful I was scheduled to work tonight because a single man restored my faith in humanity and allowed me to start my year off with a positive mind set.

A little boy came in our restaurant tonight in a wheel chair. It appears that he is paralyzed from the waist down for his dad had to life him in and out of the booth and carry him to the restroom. This particular family comes in for dinner frequently, and the boy always has a smile on his face and his best friend at his side.

After seating his family a young man seated at the bar came up to the hostess stand and told me he wanted to pick up the check for the table where the little boy in the wheelchair was seated. I asked him twice if he was sure... that there were 7 individuals at that table and dinner is by no means cheap... "yes, I want to pay for their meal" he assured me.

After a few minutes I came back to him a third time and made sure he really wanted to pick up their check and he announced to me in all seriousness "that little boy goes through more in a single day than you or I will in a year. I want to pick up their check." I stared at him wide eyed and nodded before returning to my designated spot behind the podium.

I wanted to hug this man. This man no older than 28 in a black zip up sweatshirt with a heart of gold. I wanted to hug this man and thank him. Thank him for his compassion, his kindness, his love.

I saw a happy little boy in a wheel chair tonight, and he saw years of pain and sadness.

For the remaining three hours of my shift I tried to find a reason for this man's generosity. He has a family member... a brother perhaps... in a similar situation as this boy. He's rich, what's another 200 dollars? It's a new year, why not start it off right?

But I've come to the conclusion that I don't care what his motive or reason for paying 200 dollars for 7 strangers to enjoy a family dinner. He did it, with kindness in his eyes, and no intention of this particular family ever knowing it was him. And that is enough. Enough to restore my faith in humanity, my belief that people are actually all good, and that compassion is ever present.

Thank you man in the black jacket.
Thank you.