Summer

I am sitting on the sand at this very moment with my back up against the cement wall that separates the boardwalk from the beach as I look out at the ocean and wonder; wonder about everything and about anything. I've done so much thinking these last few weeks, so much reflecting and hoping and dreaming. I have often found myself restless and exhausted by what goes on in my head. I come to conclusions about people, about situations, and about philosophies only to be unsatisfied and try again.

It isn't that I am unsatisfied with where I am, with what I have, or with who I am becoming; in fact, I couldn't be happier or more grateful than I am this very summer. It's simple really, I am just too analytical and emotional for my own good. I have an overwhelming desire to understand everyone and everything; an intense curiosity that often times doesn't lead me in to the greatest of places.

I've never been one to embrace the moment. I live too much in the past and constantly fear the future. I've been told time and time again not to think so hard, to let go and let God, to try not to manipulate the future, or think of ways the past could have been different. I speak often of a reality that I've created and prefer to live in because I am all too aware that my analytical nature has negated my free-spiritedness. Perhaps the one thing that frustrates me more than social injustices is that fact that I have allowed myself to stray away from the part of me that I have always been most proud of - being a free spirit.

Because my roommates were not around the last three weeks I had an uncomfortable amount of time to myself. I read constantly, took long walks at sunset, enjoyed the summer sun, and reflected on this past year. And in the midst of all of this I realized how much I am unable to recall. For the life of my I cannot figure out when/where/how Kara and I became so close and what we bonded over. I remember slaving over essay after essay but have no idea what I wrote about. I laughed uncontrollably every morning in ethics but don't remember what was so funny. And sadly, I have no idea how I spent my christmas break...

Basically I haven't allowed myself to focus on each day as it comes. I have been so caught up in thinking about how past situations could have gone differently and in fearing the future that I have failed to take advantage of new experiences; experiences that I wish I could remember.

So I decided to challenge myself in more ways than one this summer:

1. Make my way through the top 100 novels of the 20th century. (I got a library card and checked out Hemmingway)

2. Take advantage of everything free in San Diego. Starting tomorrow with the Summer Organ Festival in Balboa Park.

3. Laugh at everything embarrassing, awkward, or intimidating.

4. Do spontaneous and out of the ordinary things like order a 22oz mug of beer at PB Ale House and watch the Lakers game. (I don't drink beer or watch sports - this also gave me the change to laugh at an entirely mortifying experience).

And lastly....

5. Be present.

I want more than anything to use this summer for everything that its worth. To remember it not only as my first summer as an independent but one in which I truly embraced every moment and every opportunity that came my way.

Terry Josephson once stated "No matter where you go or what you do, you live your entire life within the confines of your head." Starting now, Terry Josephson's words will no longer describe me. I will be a free spirit. I will embrace my freedom.