Thursday, January 12, 2012

Empty Walls.

It isn't quite as cold as the days past. The space heater is turned off yet the windows remain closed. The wall opposite me bears a reminder to make myself necessary to somebody. Emerson. He who spoke the phrase. One of my very favorites. Because who are we without another? A mother or father? Sister or brother? Stranger or friend?

The words will endure with the worn carpet long after I've gone.
Perhaps they'll be painted over; erased. Leaving behind nothing for the next occupant to ponder.

The pictures I've hung have begun to fall. The adhesive wearing thin from the textured walls and inconsistent temperature. 61. 82. 74.  One by one they are released, sliding down the white walls soon to be lost amongst the contents scattered under my bed.

I see my mother's inspiration and my father's unfailing love. In color schemes and photographs, stuffed creatures and a pile of discarded make up.

Blind to you but overwhelmingly clear for me.

And then there is John. His black eyes, so dark so still, haunt me at night. Positioned left of my door, this aged-spotted portrait older than I. What I would give to experience the 70s.

Love, freedom, and experimentation of a far greater sort. A little rebellion. Ecstasy.

Littered all around are books. Novels and memoirs. Research and biographies. Paperbacks and hardcovers containing another's imagination, history, life's work.

And one holding the contents of my own.

A not so little black book full of unanswered questions, relentless ramblings and contradictions. Nothing compared to the words of Faulkner, Woolf or Hemmingway. But so much more valuable.

Like my room this little black book tells a story of years past and of a promising future.

Nostalgia and passion, love and reflection.

I have but 6 more days here. In this 12x12 foot room in the far corner of my Pacific Beach home. 6 days left to take in the lasts 5 years here. But as I stare at my empty closet  and glance around my becomingly empty room I know my time here is done. A new adventure lies ahead of me in a distant land 3000 miles away.

There I will have the opportunity to Make Myself Necessary to Somebody New.


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