Thursday, October 28, 2010

Words of Wisdom

I wanted to wait until the end of the semester to post this blog... unfortunately my utter lack of self control has taken over and I can no longer resist.

Against my better judgement I signed up for a second Ethnic Studies class after my horrendous bout with one last semester. To my surprise, this course is full of rich unbiased conversation among individuals who are not afraid to obliterate this idea of political correctness.

I think I fell deeper in love with this course because of the professor who teaches it. Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful individual who not only has the coolest tattoo but is beyond hilarious without even trying.

Below are a list of quotes I've frantically scrawled down in the margins of my notebook over the last 8 weeks. Perhaps they aren't funny out of context or appear utterly inappropriate, but that pretty much defines this particular professor. Out of context and inappropriate. I am in love.

"Crazy dykes on bikes"

"There's my mother who is sacred but the rest of you are bitches"

"You're the butt or you're the mother"

"She's some scary shit"

"Everyones an essay, now the nation is falling apart"

"Oh hell, I'm running off to the mountains to shoot guns and stuff"

"Its like hell no... you don't even know"

"Yo mama's so fat when she stands on the corner the cops drive by and say 'break it up! right?'"

"I got a whole bunch of yo mama jokes"

"Shut that shit off"

"I feel like were in hell"

"People would throw my book against the wall and say, 'you're fucked up'"

"Fuck you too"

"Its like, all right, go to hell"

"Their gonna be like oh hell, and were gonna be like CULTURE!"

"I don't wanna say balls.... VAGINA!"

"I'm gonna get you dyke, I'm gonna get you"

"I saw that one getting out of the shower all naked!"

"Its spreading seeds like a giant penis right?"


To be continued...



Thursday, October 21, 2010

Thank You For Listening


To you, I appear indifferent
My brown hair, hazel eyes, and pale skin automatically define me
Being privileged means I don't understand
Means I will never understand

You think I don't listen to what you have to say
That I sit with my knees to my chest and drown out your words
Counting down the minutes until class is dismissed
When I can continue on with my perfect pleasant life
But you are wrong
So very wrong

I want nothing more than to absorb your thoughts
Accept your experiences as valid
To learn from you

You don't see this
Because to you, I am indifferent

Today, you silenced me
I pointed out your contradictions
And you faltered
Unprepared to hear the thoughts in my head
You would never know, but I've been listening
Hearing every word you've spoken these past 4 weeks

I am not your enemy
You are your enemy
Proven by your countless contradictions
And unwillingness to see them

I just want to help
Help you understand
I am not against you

My words are just as valid as yours
But you don't recognize this
Because I oppress you with my indifference

But I am not indifferent
You do not have the right to reject me
To blow over my comments, my thoughts, my concerns

Who are you to decide what is significant
Your words or mine?

I am the outsider
Without allies in this 'safe space'
Listen to me
Hear me

Because I've been listening to you
Not judging you
Accepting you

My brown hair, hazel eyes, and pale skin don't make me indifferent
They make me white
You are black
They are hispanic

But I am white
And brave
And open
And curious

I am listening

You are the contradiction
And I am not indifferent

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Angel

I'm a certain kind of emo at 1:21 am on a Tuesday night after 3 classes, 7 hours of work, a rainy day, and two pages to go on Dr. Schlichtman's essay on the agency and structural causes of homelessness, therefore I'm going to leave you with this...

I want nothing more than someone to feel this way about me someday




I'll blog tomorrow or thursday when sleep and sanity have returned to my life

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

I want my imagination back

I want to crawl back in bed and let the world move on without me today. I want to dream happy dreams. About making snow angels. Talking with my brothers. Reading novels. I want to dream about intercession and all the joys that come with 5 school-less weeks.

I want my imagination back. Because my imagination was easier to live in.

I want to be Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's. Standing in a world where me and things don't quite fit together. Because that life is easier to live.

There was a point in my reality not too long ago where me and things didn't go together.

That life made sense.

I want my imagination back. Because my imagination lets me control things.

I decide who to love.
Where to turn.
When to run.

I don't want this confusion.
These restless nights.
This fatal attraction.

I want my imagination back. Because I used to imagine who people were without ever really knowing. And life was easier that way.

I want to have conversations with my best friend.
About how much love we have to offer
but have no one to give it to.

How our hearts are too big for this world we live in.

I want my imagination back. Because in my imagination people jump at the chance to be loved. And love isn't scary. It's simple and easy and right.

I don't want to be scared.
This uncertainty is no good.

I want to know.
To be confident.
Unafraid and ready.
Ready for whatever reality wants to throw my way...

Unfortunately though, I want my imagination back.





Sunday, October 10, 2010

Happiness.

I'm trying to figure out what happiness is and what it entails.

USD has got me reading too many depressing books. Homelessness. The Penitentiary System. Oppressed women of color. My God... way to kill a perfectly enjoyable Sunday evening guys.

In the midst of this sadness and inequality I started thinking about what happiness is... what is this thing that every one strives for. That we claim to have at random moments in our lives. That is both temporary and long lasting.

When I think of happiness a few things come to mind:

Smiles. Coffee. Cuddling. Jumping off of curbs. Margo. Spinning is circles. Laughter. Bright colored nail polish. Reading amazing novels. Inside Jokes. Getting lost in thought. Children. Peanut butter toast. Hugs. Surprises. Best friends. Rain. Letters in the mail. Good conversations. Traveling to new places. Road trips.

There are plenty more, but I'll stick with those for now.

One of my life goals used to be (or perhaps still is) to laugh until I pee my pants. I felt that this would prove that I was in the most true state of happiness. But I'm pretty sure it would just prove that my emotions are in their most excited state and my bladder is painfully full. And maybe laughing that hard wouldn't mean that I was happy but merely that I was in an awkward situation that required laughter, resulting with me wetting myself, which, in turn, would just make it that much more awkward, causing more laughter...

...yeh. Too many commas.

I still have never laughed that hard. I came close once. At Disneyland. With my best friends from high school. Chubis <--- the topic of a future blog entry.

Anyways. What is happiness?

Right now I would say I'm pretty happy. I'm perfectly content laying on a friend's bed (which is way comfy by the way) putting off homework and blogging about something beyond my understanding. I have a silly smiled permanently planted on my face and song lyrics stuck in my head.

But how do I measure happiness?

In how long it's been since I cried? In how many times a day I laugh? When and where I get the butterflies and good kind of goose bumps? In compliments that make me smile, in conversations that challenge me, in my pouring out of love?

Do I measure happiness in how many people I positively effect, places I visit, circles I spin in? In contradictions I figure out, in moments where my world is still and peaceful, in hours of sleep I get at night? In how much education I have, what grades I get, what I do after college?

Who defines happiness? Better yet, what defines happiness?

Maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe all that matters is that I feel good. That I am smiling. My eyes are telling a story of their own. And I'm permanently (for now) seeking out people to be in relation with or deepen my relationship with. Maybe it's enough that I have people in my life who test me, challenge me, love me, and continually hug me and affirm me (I'm a creature who seeks validation and affirmation).

Whatever happiness is... well, it fascinates me. Because I know when I feel it, and when I see it, but I don't know what it is. Because it is different for everyone. Our happiness is unique to our own being. What drives us. What excites us. What saddens us. What gives me the goosebumps, the butterflies, and makes me laugh until I pee my pants.

But our happiness also lies in the hearts of others. I don't know. Something to think about further I guess...


Monday, October 4, 2010

Challenges and Love

Things I love about today:

Watching Titus battle the hiccups
Left over chicken and rice for lunch
The way the cold weather makes my hair the perfect kind of curly
Seeing happy couples in Aromas
Flip flops and rain puddles
Hilarious voice mails from my roommate
Receiving advice from my fellow CASA workers
Laughing during horrific videos about bunnies in class
English breakfast tea, compliments of my favorite San Diego family
Study sessions with Anjuli in Aromas
Thinking about last night's conversations
Unexpected hugs from Kendra while standing in line to buy coffee
Staying after class to get clarity on confusing concepts
Making plans to talk with my favorite mentor
The heaters being on in Olin Hall :)
Teachers who show genuine interest in how you're doing in other classes
Long phone conversations with my mommy
Peanut butter toast with applesauce
Text messages from my soulmate
Going to the doctors and finally getting medicine!



Today's been rough.
Not only because Piper vomited all over my pants this morning, and the fluid build up behind my ear drums, but because I've been thinking more than normal and my head feels like it's spinning off it's axis.
I've been challenged lately.
Challenged to question who I am as a person, why I believe what I do, and what I plan on doing with my life.
I think this challenge comes from the best possible of places, and I'm feeling good about justifying my intentions and recognizing that I have so much to learn and so much to still figure out, its just coming at an incredibly busy time.
I love challenges and people who aren't afraid to ask difficult questions, therefore I am thankful for this, but frustrated all the same.

So in an effort to make today pleasant I decided to find everything wonderful about today : )
So there you have it.
There is always something positive in a shitty day.





Sunday, October 3, 2010

Soulmate

Last weekend as we were leaving Moondoggies, Kara claimed that she had found her soulmate (read about it here), which then sparked a semi-intense, semi-hilarious conversation about soulmates.

I don't know if I believe we ever find our soulmate, or that soulmates even exist for that matter. I don't know if you only have one soulmate, or a plethora of people whose hearts could fit in your very own chest. I don't know if when you find your soulmate you are supposed to marry them, or if your soulmate is supposed to be of your same sex. I don't know. I really just don't know.

But doesn't it seem odd that soulmate is a word, but soulmates is not? Meaning, that according to my computer's spell check function you only have one soulmate. Totally bizarre.

So last night (this soulmate stuff tends to like Saturdays) a random comment on this topic got me thinking, so I Wikipediaed 'soulmate' and found this:

"One story about soulmates, presented by Aristophanes in Plato's Symposium, is that humans originally consisted of four arms, four legs, and a single head made of two faces, but Zeusfeared their power and split them all in half, condemning them to spend their lives searching for the other half to complete them."

Pretty cool huh? I'm obsessed. And because I'm 22, currently not in love, and still wearing spinny dresses and side ponytails I'm allowed to use the word soulmate lightly. Therefore, I'm going to claim that I've already found my soulmate. The person Zeus rid me of - the person who shares my heart and my brain.


This person knows me better than I know myself.


She gets butterflies in her stomach for me when she I give her the play-by-play of my night out with a super cute boy.

She responds with, "you'll just need a sweatshirt" when I tell her I probably cant go to breakfast because I'm not wearing a bra.

And knows exactly what I'll order at Santanas (mainly because we go there far too often).


We read the same books, love the same movies, and share the same passion for social issues.

We lack self control when it comes to desserts, facebook chat way to early in the mornings, and don't go a day without talking.

We give each other the same advice (whether its good or bad I haven't decided yet) are both mildly obsessed with hiking, and cannot keep plants alive for the life of us.


We belong together. Who else would I share my random fits of excitement with, dance away my sadness with, and rate people's'squishy-ness' with? (Probably no one because people don't tend to understand that squishy does not mean fat, or chubby, or anything bad, but is in fact a wonderful wonderful quality and you'd be happy if we referred to you as such.)



We have wayyyy more fun than you! : )