Happiness.

I'm trying to figure out what happiness is and what it entails.

USD has got me reading too many depressing books. Homelessness. The Penitentiary System. Oppressed women of color. My God... way to kill a perfectly enjoyable Sunday evening guys.

In the midst of this sadness and inequality I started thinking about what happiness is... what is this thing that every one strives for. That we claim to have at random moments in our lives. That is both temporary and long lasting.

When I think of happiness a few things come to mind:

Smiles. Coffee. Cuddling. Jumping off of curbs. Margo. Spinning is circles. Laughter. Bright colored nail polish. Reading amazing novels. Inside Jokes. Getting lost in thought. Children. Peanut butter toast. Hugs. Surprises. Best friends. Rain. Letters in the mail. Good conversations. Traveling to new places. Road trips.

There are plenty more, but I'll stick with those for now.

One of my life goals used to be (or perhaps still is) to laugh until I pee my pants. I felt that this would prove that I was in the most true state of happiness. But I'm pretty sure it would just prove that my emotions are in their most excited state and my bladder is painfully full. And maybe laughing that hard wouldn't mean that I was happy but merely that I was in an awkward situation that required laughter, resulting with me wetting myself, which, in turn, would just make it that much more awkward, causing more laughter...

...yeh. Too many commas.

I still have never laughed that hard. I came close once. At Disneyland. With my best friends from high school. Chubis <--- the topic of a future blog entry.

Anyways. What is happiness?

Right now I would say I'm pretty happy. I'm perfectly content laying on a friend's bed (which is way comfy by the way) putting off homework and blogging about something beyond my understanding. I have a silly smiled permanently planted on my face and song lyrics stuck in my head.

But how do I measure happiness?

In how long it's been since I cried? In how many times a day I laugh? When and where I get the butterflies and good kind of goose bumps? In compliments that make me smile, in conversations that challenge me, in my pouring out of love?

Do I measure happiness in how many people I positively effect, places I visit, circles I spin in? In contradictions I figure out, in moments where my world is still and peaceful, in hours of sleep I get at night? In how much education I have, what grades I get, what I do after college?

Who defines happiness? Better yet, what defines happiness?

Maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe all that matters is that I feel good. That I am smiling. My eyes are telling a story of their own. And I'm permanently (for now) seeking out people to be in relation with or deepen my relationship with. Maybe it's enough that I have people in my life who test me, challenge me, love me, and continually hug me and affirm me (I'm a creature who seeks validation and affirmation).

Whatever happiness is... well, it fascinates me. Because I know when I feel it, and when I see it, but I don't know what it is. Because it is different for everyone. Our happiness is unique to our own being. What drives us. What excites us. What saddens us. What gives me the goosebumps, the butterflies, and makes me laugh until I pee my pants.

But our happiness also lies in the hearts of others. I don't know. Something to think about further I guess...