Looking Back.

For an entire year I've been mentally crossing off calendar days with an indelible red marker with anticipation and excitement, eagerly awaiting the arrival of May 22, 2011. And as the days quickly pass and the 22nd is within view, I feel ready - so very ready to start my life in a world of freedom and chaos. After picking up my cap and gown, sending out my graduation announcements, and solidifying reservations I am prepared to walk across the stage, shake Mary Lions' hand, and officially end my undergraduate career.

My journey through USD didn't constitute the best days of my life, but they were perfect. Perfectly heartbreaking, perfectly inspiring, and perfectly perfect. For the last four years I've been a creature of habit, of routine. I have been a slave to assignments and responsibility; days full of tasks to be crossed off lists with a sense of accomplishment. I've kept myself busy with dedication and hard work - pouring my heart and soul into papers and classroom debates.

Now as I am mentally preparing myself for what will be my biggest accomplishment thus far in my 22 year old life, I've alloted myself a great deal of time to think back on my college career and highlight what has challenged me, changed me, and made me me these past four years.

I've compiled a list of moments that I am truly grateful I've had the opportunity to experience. Moments of insanity, delirium, and unmeasurable happiness. Moments of confusion, frustration, and overwhelming doubt. Moments I will keep with me forever.

My favorite Random Moments.

*Although I only vaguely remember wearing a blue shirt to dinner at La Paloma freshman year, that night marked the beginning of a friendship I wouldn't encounter until the end of my junior year. I met a girl I instantly adored and who is now one of the most amazing people I've come to know. My past summer roommate, and soon to be permanent roommate, my favorite friend, and self-less confidant Kendra Obsurn.

*Ethics with Zwolinski was a no-brainer course. With my forever curious disposition and reliable study buddies, camping out in the Student Life Pavilion at 2:00am tackling the material for that final seemed like no problem, until every joke turned sexual and I laughed until I started sobbing. Kevin O'Malley and Jonathan Fein helped create my fondest finals memory.

*We decided going on SEARCH the weekend before our 35 page methods paper was due was a great idea. And although the retreat was absolutely spectacular I think sitting in the library with Anjuli Wright, Kara Kimball, Nina Baum, Christina Ellsworth, and Jeff Baucher delirious from a sleepless weekend and frantically typing away was even more amazing...

*Every sociology major dreads the semester in which they are forced to take Classical (or is it Contemporary) Sociological Theory with Dr. Reifer. And although that class was quite possibly the hardest course I've ever take, literally stalking Dr. Reifer all semester to ensure I'd get an A and then showing up 40 minutes late my final made for quite an entertaining semester.

*It is entirely devastating when every single one of your closest friends graduate the year before you, but ending that year by drinking whisky out of a flask while smashed in the trunk of an SUV on your way to their senior night at Stingaree made everything momentarily okay.

Opportunities of a Lifetime.

*My Sophomore year I decided to embark on an alternative spring break that took place at Nazareth Farm West Virginia. Not only did I spend a week living and serving in the heart of one of the most poverty stricken areas in America while surviving off of $2 a day, but I experienced more faith, love and community in that single week than I had ever known at USD. I saw God in the faces of the community members who literally had nothing but were overwhelmingly generous and loving. That week solidified my passion for helping those in poverty and my belief in a higher power.

*As a student leader in the CASA office for issues surrounding hunger and homelessness, I had the opportunity to participate in Project Homeless Connect. On this particular day in December I met a man who changed my life. His name was James A. Barrera and he taught me what it meant to love. I blogged about James a while ago, read about him here.

*Through the same organization listed above I was flown to Chicago to attend The National Student Campaign Against Hunger and Homelessness. A weekend full of seminars, testimonies, and first hand conversations with countless homeless individuals I realized my life goal and was inspired to never stop fighting for those whose lives were reduced to living on the streets because they couldn't keep up with the capitalistic world we live in.

*As part of my Research Methods class I mentored a senior at Mark Twain High School (an alternative school for 'last chance' students so to speak). And although I knew nothing about geometry those Monday afternoons I spent with Camille brightened my week. I watched a meek and insecure young girl find confidence in herself. A girl that once spoke of wanting nothing more than to be done with school began talking about attending community college. Perhaps Camille felt lucky to have someone spend two hours a week with her and receive the one-on-one attention she was desperately lacking, but I felt lucky to have met Camille that semester.

*SEARCH XXVI was absolutely the most heartbreaking weekend of my life. But despite the tragic witnesses, and the millions of tears that fell from my eyes, and the anger I felt with God I left with a sense of hope, a new found community, and an understanding of the power of love.

*I would never have guessed that waking up at 3:00am for 3 consecutive days to survey homeless people would have been a wonderful experience, but my mandatory participation in the 100,000 Homes National Campaign - Downtown San Diego Registry Week left me angry, hopeful, inspired, and forever questioning. I experienced a new image of homelessness, that of a 22 year old boy with a life just like mine except instead of attending a four year university he was sleeping along the harbor in DT San Diego. I blogged about this experience too, read about it here.

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I could drag this entry on forever because USD has given me so much to be grateful for. And although I'm sure I'll find myself desperately missing the castle on top of the hill I am absolutely ready to see this semester come to an end. Not only will May 22nd bring an end to my academic career, but it will bring closure to a devastating semester - a semester full of more heartache than I ever imaged I'd have to deal with months before the most exciting day of my young life.

So with that, thank you, thank you, thank you everyone who made these past four years memorable! I am forever grateful!

i planned on disappearing today

but the universe thought otherwise

it showered me with hugs and pokes and silly banter

slowly releasing the infinite tears that were held hostage behind my eyes

maybe tomorrow,

the world might be a little nicer then...

Picture: Stolen from Lo's Facebook page

Mountain Tops

She stood at the top of the mountain and shouted into the distance,

"I'm more than just a pretty girl"

until the echo dissipated and was lost among the creatures who lack the ability to reason and comprehend. The creatures she felt God loved more than her human existence for he made their lives simple. No souls, no belief, no hope, no dreams, and especially no reasoning.

"I'm more than just a pretty girl"

She repeated over and over like her favorite curse word until she no longer knew what she was saying for the words lost all meaning and became nothing but noise. Noise was all she really wanted. Enough noise to drown out all the words from all the people she couldn't bear to hear.

Because she is more than just a pretty girl with a sad smile and twinkling eyes,

with the inability to be angry with the people who have wronged her and every ability to turn her anger towards those who don't deserve it and become the brunt of her frustrations taking in words that are not meant for them but who understand that her heart is big enough to forgive the people who maybe don't deserve forgiveness because she loves them all the same.

"I'm more than just a pretty girl"

This time she whispered it. In an effort to remind herself that she's got a heart worth sharing, a mind worth exploring, and a sense of humor worth experiencing. That she's more than just a pretty girl who stands on mountain tops and proclaims so because the people she's surrounded by have reduced her to such.

This girl is a dreamer with a vision to save the world that is crumbling beneath her even if it's one person at a time until there is no one left to save because she has enough faith for all of humanity, enough hope for all that are hopeless, and enough love for those who are lacking, and she will not stop until she has conquered every evil and transformed the hearts of others.

SHE IS MORE THAN JUST A PRETTY GIRL

So take a second to look beyond her sad smile and sparkling eyes and realize that she has learned how to use the brain, the heart, and the soul God blessed her with because he loves her human existence more than any simple creature lacking the ability to believe, to hope, to dream, and especially, to reason.

Indigo Children

Sometimes she could feel it in the pit of her stomach before it ever happened

Her heart would beat fast, her arms would tingle, her eyes would sting

It occurred at random moments

While she was sitting on the floor, drinking coffee, reading a book

It approached quickly and passed slowly

The sensation, the truth

They were on the same wave length.

What she was thinking was apparent to him.

And his thoughts to her.

When they were apart.

From a distance.

Across a city.

And he knew.

He knew that she knew what he was feeling, thinking, wanting.

At the very moment he felt it, thought it, wanted it.

When they were apart.

From a distance.

Across a city.

And she knew.

That he would take a step back, so she'd take a step forward.

From the very moment he felt it to the minute he expressed it.

She was prepared to hear what she already knew.

They shared the very same gift:

intuition.

clairvoyance.

They were on the same wavelength.

Synesthesets.

It could only lead to destruction, and with time it would.

Too alike, yet all too different.

He was blessed with a sixth sense, she with cognition.

Together they were fatal, they both knew too much.

So alike, but so very different.

Their empathy would never be enough

But she hoped and he tried

But sometimes,

sometimes,

things just don't fit.

Love.

If nothing else, I believe in love.

I believe in the love of my mommy and that of my daddy

in the love of my siblings and extended family

The ultimate kind of love. Unconditional in every sense. Forever. For always.

I believe in the love of the boy who wiped away my tears, held me, then made me laugh

... in the love of the friend who answered her phone over and over and prayed aloud for me without knowing why.

... in the love of the community who held mass in my name, prayed for my family, and reminded me that I was in their thoughts.

The love of friendship. Of understanding without knowing. Of recognizing without questioning.

I believe in the love of simple gestures... like hugs, cups of hot chocolate, and distracting stories.

I believe there is love in peace, in solace, in sadness.

I believe there is love in hate, in misery, in anger.

I believe there is love in security and in uncertainty.

I believe there is love in my tears and in my laughter.

If nothing else, I believe in love.

I believe in my mommy and my daddy

in my siblings and my extended family.

I believe in love.

Because I see it.

Because I feel it.

Because I give it.

Tiny Dancers

I'm a firm believer that dancing has the capacity to heal

...if only temporarily

I don't mean the kind of dancing where rhythm and technique are involved

I'm talking about the kind of dancing where you put on the most upbeat song you can find

jump around with your arms in the air

swing your hair all over the place

and move your body til you can't breathe and fall to the floor

kind of dancing.

We dance away our sadness

in order to find happiness

to feel giddy

and silly

and pretty

We dance away our excess energy

to release our frustrations

unwelcome feelings

and irritating thoughts

We dance to revive our creative enthusiasm

When we're lacking motivation

and suffering from writer's block

We dance to be seen

when we feel invisible

We dance because we love

St. Valentine

As Valentine's Day approaches, I am all too aware of my love life - or utter lack there of.

I sincerely dislike Valentine's Day and all its red and pink and promises of smiles and love. I find such a day rather disappointing. Why does a calender have to tell you that you should probably do something extra special for your extra special someone?

Why not March 23th?

Or August 17th?

I think I'd like to be surprised on both those days for no particular reason other than the fact that someone was thinking of me that particular day.

Maybe it's because I've become a ridiculously cynical person in almost every aspect of life,

Or maybe it's because Valentine's Day is almost completely a consumer holiday,

Or maybe it's because I've never actually been taken out on the 14th of February...

Yeh, that's probably it... but I'll let you decide.

February 14th, 2010: I spent a romantic 14 hours in Copely Library writing an English paper for my British Literature before 1800 class.

February 14, 2009: I got my oil changed and then spent 6 hours in Founder's RA office with my best friend and the boy who I not secretly, but openly, wished would ask me on a date for that particular night.

February 14, 2008: I went to class, put on a red shirt, and spent an uncomfortable amount of time watching happy people eat dinner at Outback Steakhouse.

February 14, 2007: Who really cares, the pattern is pretty consistent.

This year might actually prove to be be the worst of the last four.

I really didn't mind writing an 8 page paper for Dr. Stoll, I had a crush on him, and because of that paper I finally managed to get an A in one his classes.

Matty is my best friend, so even though I spent the night on duty, at least he was around, and drunk, and entirely entertaining.

And I loved working at Outback my freshman year, in fact, I think I even requested to work Valentine's Day.

But as always, the universe is against me, and I'll be spending 11 hours of my Valentine's Day at USD. Which might be more disappointing than the thought of someone feeling like they have to be nice to me because Hallmark said so.

I mean, clearly I'm bitter. And I say I hate all that is Valentine's Day and swear that even if my love life weren't a complete failure I'd hold the same opinion...

...but maybe someone wants to make me dinner, and open an 8 dollar bottle of wine, and let me sit in my pjs and have silly conversations with me?

Seriously, I need an excuse, any excuse, to get out of my contemporary dance class with the happiest woman in the world. I can't take another hour of physically interpreting Alicia Key's songs Monday after Monday, especially on a day where it's apparently appropriate to point out everyone's singleness.

February 14, 2011: I may or may not be the only person attending my 7:00pm dance class.