Fuuuuuck!

When FUCK is the only word you can muster

and your tears are flowing freely

Love surfaces in the most unexpected of places.

Awkward Encounters

I am beginning to think I should start taking detailed notes about my life so one day I can write a book much like Sloan Crosley's "I Was Told There Would Be Cake" and "How Did You Get This Number." It would be a nice little hard cover full of all the awkward situations I find myself in and how I respond to such emotionally taxing circumstances.

I am not sure how or why, but I am a magnetic field for awkwardness.

It finds me wherever I go and there is no escaping it!

When your mind wanders off and you're caught in a daze thinking up the worst possible scenarios that you could imagine yourself in

... They are happening to me.

When you are gossiping with your friends and find yourself saying through uncontrollable giggles

"Wouldn't it be humilating to walk up to the podium and not get an award?"

"What if you got on the airplane and had to sit next to his mom!"

"I would just die if he found out we were talking about him!"

"Oh my gosh, I seriously hope I don't run into so-and-so, that would be terrible!"

... Yup, you guessed it. They are happening to me.

Folks, your worst nightmares are absolutely my reality!

I really did walk up to the podium in front of hundreds of people to get a medal I didn't earn at a gymnastics competition. I thought they had called my name but because I was so focused on my fist full of goldfish crackers I couldn't hear correctly and embarrassed the living hell out of my 6 year old self.

And the summer after my Sophomore year in college I flew to DC to spend a week with some family. On the way home at the airport in... Texas maybe... I was last to board the plane and take my assigned seat. (It is important that you know I hadn't showered that morning or managed to run a brush through my hair.) As I quickly pushed my belongings under my seat and opened my novel to start reading, the lady sitting next to me noticed my sweatshirt and asked if I attended USD. We got to talking. Turns out... she's the mother of this boy I once dated - who refused to introduce me to his family. I mean, what are the chances I sit next to my ex boyfriends mom on a 4 hour flight from Texas to Ontario Airport? I, entirely mortified, read my novel cover to cover to avoid talking to her about her son and the terrible way he treats women.

In college I had a crush on one of my professors. Actually, a crush, is being too modest. I had a debilitating crush on one of my professors, to the point where I could barely respond to his questions of my well being without my palms getting sweaty and my heart beating through my chest. He wore a short sleeve shirt to class one day, showing the tiniest bit of his mysterious tattoo, not to mention, he was being totally charming that day. I turned to the girl who sat behind me and started gossiping about said teacher when he says, "Ms. Gailing, care to share with the class what you and Ms. Wright are laughing about?" I almost peed my pants.

But most notably, most horrifying and humiliating, and perhaps most likely to drive me to run my car off the pier... the grand finale of all circumstances I could possibly find myself in happened yesterday. While all of you were enjoying your Memorial Day I was taking shots of tequila to keep the giggles down and my sarcasm from spewing out of my mouth.

I was sitting with some friends enjoying margaritas and appetizers on the patio of a delicious restaurant in PB when in walks in the boy I most recently dated and the girl he is currently dating (boy started dating girl roughly a week after we ended things.). They decide to sit at the table directly to the left of me. I downed what was left of my drink, got the giggles, banged my head against the table, and tried to make myself invisible. It didn't work. The next thing I heard was TAYLOR! come out of the mouth of the boy who I'd tried my best to hate and was unsuccessful until yesterday. I reluctantly turned around and responded with Ummmmm Hi???

Then...

Current girlfriend turns around.

I flash her my best fake smile and cover my face with my curly hair.

She goes to the bathroom.

He continues to stare.

I feel a hole burning in the back of my head.

I turn around.

We make small talk.

She returns and caresses him.

And then I ever so desperately ask my friends if they would buy me a shot of tequila to ease the pain.

They agree.

They ask the waiter, "Can we get her a shot of Tequila?"

He asks "Do you all want one?"

They respond, "No just her"

We have an audience.

Of course, we have an audience.

I flash another fake smile.

He says goodbye.

They leave.

I can't look up.

Honestly. What are the chances? Of all the places to go to eat, of all the hours in a single day, it had to be 4 o'clock and a table away.

I've learned to laugh at my extreme lack of good luck/excessive amount of bad luck. Because encounters like these allow me to revel in my awkwardness, they give me reasons to take shots of tequila, and justify my roaming around PB taking pictures and cursing certain individuals.

I wish I could avoid said boy and his girlfriend. But God knows I'll make an ass out of myself again Thursday night and tequila won't be available until hours after this anticipated awkward encounter...

So pour me a shot, I'll be waiting.

Post tequila adventures:

Looking Back.

For an entire year I've been mentally crossing off calendar days with an indelible red marker with anticipation and excitement, eagerly awaiting the arrival of May 22, 2011. And as the days quickly pass and the 22nd is within view, I feel ready - so very ready to start my life in a world of freedom and chaos. After picking up my cap and gown, sending out my graduation announcements, and solidifying reservations I am prepared to walk across the stage, shake Mary Lions' hand, and officially end my undergraduate career.

My journey through USD didn't constitute the best days of my life, but they were perfect. Perfectly heartbreaking, perfectly inspiring, and perfectly perfect. For the last four years I've been a creature of habit, of routine. I have been a slave to assignments and responsibility; days full of tasks to be crossed off lists with a sense of accomplishment. I've kept myself busy with dedication and hard work - pouring my heart and soul into papers and classroom debates.

Now as I am mentally preparing myself for what will be my biggest accomplishment thus far in my 22 year old life, I've alloted myself a great deal of time to think back on my college career and highlight what has challenged me, changed me, and made me me these past four years.

I've compiled a list of moments that I am truly grateful I've had the opportunity to experience. Moments of insanity, delirium, and unmeasurable happiness. Moments of confusion, frustration, and overwhelming doubt. Moments I will keep with me forever.

My favorite Random Moments.

*Although I only vaguely remember wearing a blue shirt to dinner at La Paloma freshman year, that night marked the beginning of a friendship I wouldn't encounter until the end of my junior year. I met a girl I instantly adored and who is now one of the most amazing people I've come to know. My past summer roommate, and soon to be permanent roommate, my favorite friend, and self-less confidant Kendra Obsurn.

*Ethics with Zwolinski was a no-brainer course. With my forever curious disposition and reliable study buddies, camping out in the Student Life Pavilion at 2:00am tackling the material for that final seemed like no problem, until every joke turned sexual and I laughed until I started sobbing. Kevin O'Malley and Jonathan Fein helped create my fondest finals memory.

*We decided going on SEARCH the weekend before our 35 page methods paper was due was a great idea. And although the retreat was absolutely spectacular I think sitting in the library with Anjuli Wright, Kara Kimball, Nina Baum, Christina Ellsworth, and Jeff Baucher delirious from a sleepless weekend and frantically typing away was even more amazing...

*Every sociology major dreads the semester in which they are forced to take Classical (or is it Contemporary) Sociological Theory with Dr. Reifer. And although that class was quite possibly the hardest course I've ever take, literally stalking Dr. Reifer all semester to ensure I'd get an A and then showing up 40 minutes late my final made for quite an entertaining semester.

*It is entirely devastating when every single one of your closest friends graduate the year before you, but ending that year by drinking whisky out of a flask while smashed in the trunk of an SUV on your way to their senior night at Stingaree made everything momentarily okay.

Opportunities of a Lifetime.

*My Sophomore year I decided to embark on an alternative spring break that took place at Nazareth Farm West Virginia. Not only did I spend a week living and serving in the heart of one of the most poverty stricken areas in America while surviving off of $2 a day, but I experienced more faith, love and community in that single week than I had ever known at USD. I saw God in the faces of the community members who literally had nothing but were overwhelmingly generous and loving. That week solidified my passion for helping those in poverty and my belief in a higher power.

*As a student leader in the CASA office for issues surrounding hunger and homelessness, I had the opportunity to participate in Project Homeless Connect. On this particular day in December I met a man who changed my life. His name was James A. Barrera and he taught me what it meant to love. I blogged about James a while ago, read about him here.

*Through the same organization listed above I was flown to Chicago to attend The National Student Campaign Against Hunger and Homelessness. A weekend full of seminars, testimonies, and first hand conversations with countless homeless individuals I realized my life goal and was inspired to never stop fighting for those whose lives were reduced to living on the streets because they couldn't keep up with the capitalistic world we live in.

*As part of my Research Methods class I mentored a senior at Mark Twain High School (an alternative school for 'last chance' students so to speak). And although I knew nothing about geometry those Monday afternoons I spent with Camille brightened my week. I watched a meek and insecure young girl find confidence in herself. A girl that once spoke of wanting nothing more than to be done with school began talking about attending community college. Perhaps Camille felt lucky to have someone spend two hours a week with her and receive the one-on-one attention she was desperately lacking, but I felt lucky to have met Camille that semester.

*SEARCH XXVI was absolutely the most heartbreaking weekend of my life. But despite the tragic witnesses, and the millions of tears that fell from my eyes, and the anger I felt with God I left with a sense of hope, a new found community, and an understanding of the power of love.

*I would never have guessed that waking up at 3:00am for 3 consecutive days to survey homeless people would have been a wonderful experience, but my mandatory participation in the 100,000 Homes National Campaign - Downtown San Diego Registry Week left me angry, hopeful, inspired, and forever questioning. I experienced a new image of homelessness, that of a 22 year old boy with a life just like mine except instead of attending a four year university he was sleeping along the harbor in DT San Diego. I blogged about this experience too, read about it here.

______________

I could drag this entry on forever because USD has given me so much to be grateful for. And although I'm sure I'll find myself desperately missing the castle on top of the hill I am absolutely ready to see this semester come to an end. Not only will May 22nd bring an end to my academic career, but it will bring closure to a devastating semester - a semester full of more heartache than I ever imaged I'd have to deal with months before the most exciting day of my young life.

So with that, thank you, thank you, thank you everyone who made these past four years memorable! I am forever grateful!

i planned on disappearing today

but the universe thought otherwise

it showered me with hugs and pokes and silly banter

slowly releasing the infinite tears that were held hostage behind my eyes

maybe tomorrow,

the world might be a little nicer then...

Picture: Stolen from Lo's Facebook page

Mountain Tops

She stood at the top of the mountain and shouted into the distance,

"I'm more than just a pretty girl"

until the echo dissipated and was lost among the creatures who lack the ability to reason and comprehend. The creatures she felt God loved more than her human existence for he made their lives simple. No souls, no belief, no hope, no dreams, and especially no reasoning.

"I'm more than just a pretty girl"

She repeated over and over like her favorite curse word until she no longer knew what she was saying for the words lost all meaning and became nothing but noise. Noise was all she really wanted. Enough noise to drown out all the words from all the people she couldn't bear to hear.

Because she is more than just a pretty girl with a sad smile and twinkling eyes,

with the inability to be angry with the people who have wronged her and every ability to turn her anger towards those who don't deserve it and become the brunt of her frustrations taking in words that are not meant for them but who understand that her heart is big enough to forgive the people who maybe don't deserve forgiveness because she loves them all the same.

"I'm more than just a pretty girl"

This time she whispered it. In an effort to remind herself that she's got a heart worth sharing, a mind worth exploring, and a sense of humor worth experiencing. That she's more than just a pretty girl who stands on mountain tops and proclaims so because the people she's surrounded by have reduced her to such.

This girl is a dreamer with a vision to save the world that is crumbling beneath her even if it's one person at a time until there is no one left to save because she has enough faith for all of humanity, enough hope for all that are hopeless, and enough love for those who are lacking, and she will not stop until she has conquered every evil and transformed the hearts of others.

SHE IS MORE THAN JUST A PRETTY GIRL

So take a second to look beyond her sad smile and sparkling eyes and realize that she has learned how to use the brain, the heart, and the soul God blessed her with because he loves her human existence more than any simple creature lacking the ability to believe, to hope, to dream, and especially, to reason.

Indigo Children

Sometimes she could feel it in the pit of her stomach before it ever happened

Her heart would beat fast, her arms would tingle, her eyes would sting

It occurred at random moments

While she was sitting on the floor, drinking coffee, reading a book

It approached quickly and passed slowly

The sensation, the truth

They were on the same wave length.

What she was thinking was apparent to him.

And his thoughts to her.

When they were apart.

From a distance.

Across a city.

And he knew.

He knew that she knew what he was feeling, thinking, wanting.

At the very moment he felt it, thought it, wanted it.

When they were apart.

From a distance.

Across a city.

And she knew.

That he would take a step back, so she'd take a step forward.

From the very moment he felt it to the minute he expressed it.

She was prepared to hear what she already knew.

They shared the very same gift:

intuition.

clairvoyance.

They were on the same wavelength.

Synesthesets.

It could only lead to destruction, and with time it would.

Too alike, yet all too different.

He was blessed with a sixth sense, she with cognition.

Together they were fatal, they both knew too much.

So alike, but so very different.

Their empathy would never be enough

But she hoped and he tried

But sometimes,

sometimes,

things just don't fit.

Love.

If nothing else, I believe in love.

I believe in the love of my mommy and that of my daddy

in the love of my siblings and extended family

The ultimate kind of love. Unconditional in every sense. Forever. For always.

I believe in the love of the boy who wiped away my tears, held me, then made me laugh

... in the love of the friend who answered her phone over and over and prayed aloud for me without knowing why.

... in the love of the community who held mass in my name, prayed for my family, and reminded me that I was in their thoughts.

The love of friendship. Of understanding without knowing. Of recognizing without questioning.

I believe in the love of simple gestures... like hugs, cups of hot chocolate, and distracting stories.

I believe there is love in peace, in solace, in sadness.

I believe there is love in hate, in misery, in anger.

I believe there is love in security and in uncertainty.

I believe there is love in my tears and in my laughter.

If nothing else, I believe in love.

I believe in my mommy and my daddy

in my siblings and my extended family.

I believe in love.

Because I see it.

Because I feel it.

Because I give it.