I Need You To Know

I need you to know that I can't do this alone

And alone is how I'm doing it

I need you. I need your unconditional love

your constant support, your friendship

Please don't judge me

Because I really need you to accept me

Maybe I am making a terrible mistake

Setting myself up for tears, and hurt, and regret

But maybe, just maybe... I'm not

Maybe it will all be worth it in the end

But let's say you are right and my heart shatters

You pick up all the pieces and sew them back together

You hold my hand, dry my eyes, help me to heal

I will remember your kindness forever

And one day down the road, once I'm whole again

I bet I'll be able to tell you that it was worth it in the end.

It was worth it in the end.

It was worth it in the end.

I need you to know

that I understand you are in a difficult situation

Because all you know is what I tell you

The contradictions, the sadness, the confusion

But you don't see what I see

And feel what I feel, and know what I know

Because sometimes words can't explain these things

And when I try they come out messy and jumbled

But I need you to know

That he looks at me with a curious sadness in his eyes

And it feels so right to be wrapped up in his arms

I need you to know

That I get the butterflies every time he kisses me

And when I'm around him my heart beats so fast

that sometimes I can't even respond to his questions

I need you to know

That he has an honesty I've never known before

And he isn't afraid to tell me what he's thinking

I need you to know

That he stares at me because he thinks I'm beautiful

And I fight off the goosebumps when he holds my hand

I need you to know

That we have conversations that last for hours

About life, our passions, who we are, and who we want to be

I need you to know

That he challenges me in a way I've never been challenged before

And that these challenges come from the best of places

I need you to know

That he scares me, really scares me

But it's exciting, and new, and different

I need you to know

That I catch myself smiling when I think of him

and that I've never felt more brave in my life

I need you to know what I can't explain

I need you to see what I see

Because I need you to support me

to process with me, to listen to me

Because sometimes I think I'm crazy.

But there is something that keeps me coming back.

And until I know what that is, I need you by my side.

Love me for me. Because I can only be me.

This is what I choose. So choose it with me.

Any maybe, just maybe... it will be worth it in the end

It will be worth it in the end.

iPhones and Heinekens

Last night my cousin recalled the first time I ever drank alcohol. And then proceeded to attempt to bring me back to the state I was in that summer night over international waters crammed in a tiny room with the 4 boys I love the most in this world. (I allowed him to because 1. I haven't been out in a really long time and 2. it was my brothers birthday so we were celebrating for him). It worked for the most part, however 151 desguised in a shampoo bottle does something to your brain/body that 3 heinekens and 1/2 an AMF can't do to you. Thank goodness.

But being here in the states instead of in the middle of the ocean on your way to Jamaica, or Mexico, or the Grand Cayman Islands or wherever we were headed that particular night allows for the use of cellphones - my worst enemy on drunken nights.

My name is Taylor and I'm a serial drunk dialer.

This started the second time I ever drank alcohol (at home in my brothers room the summer before college). I called nearly everyone in my phone and left wonderful messages for all of them. Now 4 years later I've moved on from drunk dialing to drunk texting... ohhhhh technology. I usually remember to delete phone numbers before going out, or to give my phone to someone to hold, and in the worst of cases I delete all my text messages before reading them in the morning... but last night I braved carrying my phone around and then proceeded to read my text messages this morning.

The winning texts of the night:

"adios mother f*****"

(without the asterisks... that would be the name of the drink my cousin handed to me when I returned from the restroom)

"hes cute but kinda looks like a horse"

"your taking up 60% of my brain"

The first two were sent to my mother who responded with "hahaha oh God" and called me this morning to ask if "adios mother f*****" meant that I had a bad night.

The last was sent to a boy I shouldn't be texting sober (let alone drunk) and received no response until much later this morning. I was utterly terrified upon reading it, threw my phone across my room and rolled over to go back to sleep.

I'm an honest drunk.

My deepest most darkest secrets come out while intoxicated.

If I miss you, you're going to get a text message that says so.

If I think someone looks like a horse, well... I'll probably just tell my mother that.

If I've stalked you on Facebook in the last week you're going to know within a few minutes of me reciting your life story back to you based on the information I've gathered from your public webpage...

Sometimes this is problematic, other times it makes for some REALLY good stories once the embarrassment has subsided.

My mom and I had a great conversation when I finally crawled out of bed and the boy whose was in 60% of my brain apparently had me in some % of his and we had an awkward coffee session this morning (awkward only because I'm awkward, and don't do well with my heart telling me one thing and my brain another... but my coffee was good, and conversation was good, and seeing said boy was good, and it got me away from my Christmas tree that is brutally attacking my eyes, throat and skin for about an hour).

The moral of this post is that if you receive a random or intensely honest text message from me late at night assume I'm intoxicated, delete it, and then pretend I never sent it. Because that's what I'll do and we can all live happily ever after.

The end.

Turkey Day

"I never realize how much I like being home unless I've been somewhere really different for a while." - Juno

I love San Diego. In fact, I love San Diego so much that I think I've decided to stay here for another year after I graduate in May, but I'm not quite ready to be back here yet... after only 2 and a half days spent at home.

I was thoroughly enjoying laying on the couch watching cable TV, not freezing my butt off because of the lack of a heater, and sleeping in a full size bed. I loved waking up in the morning to the smell of french toast and bacon and then squeezing 6 people around our tiny kitchen table for breakfast, having long conversations over coffee with my Daddy, and spending a full day arguing and laughing with my baby sister. I would trade almost anything for nights sitting on the floor in the loft playing hearts with my siblings and watching America's Funniest Home Videos, forcing my parents to question who raised their four children because of our complete insanity, and spending 20 minutes in the car trying to figure out the name of the store that used to be on the opposite side of Diamond Bar Blvd. I already miss cuddling with my Mommy, listening to my brother talk about nothing but politics the whole way home, and being able to do laundry for free.

I'm so thankful for the past three days, but wish so desperately I were still in Chino.

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday, and probably always will be... Because there isn't the choas and excitement of opening presents on Christmas Eve or the laziness of breakfast and gin fizzes on Easter. Thanksgiving is enitrely centered around conversation... and alcohol. This year was different though... for starters it wasn't at my house, so my mom wasn't swearing, and my dad wasn't hiding, and no one came over at 7:30am or ran off to a movie to escape the stress of getting dinner on the table by 5.

We spent the afternoon at my grandma's house where everyone swormed around the kitchen counter and waited for my grandpa to make their drinks. Then proceeded to crowd around the appetizers with their drink of choice in hand and laugh together... all I remember hearing was laughter.

I made circles through the kitchen and stole potatoes when no one was looking, drank a little too much wine, and told everyone my plans for after graduation (which I don't currently have?!).

Conversation usually turns to whose dating who and I'm usually the one everyone targets, but it appears that once you reach the age of 22 in my family, people are genuinely interested in your love life, and not merely ready to make fun of it? And since I'm naturally not dating anyone, hanging out with my cousins and meeting their friends became the topic of conversation in which everyone became involved... apparently I should be dating?!?!

But something was missing from this night full of wine, and laughter, and trying to find Taylor a boyfriend... Thank God for techonology, because we were able to still feel connected to the three people who were hundreds of miles away.

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday because the house is soooooo full of love. And I truly never really recognize how much I miss home until I'm back in my house, laying on the floor wrapped up in one of my dad's giant Patagonia jackets, enjoying how loud my family is when we're all together.

I'm not ready to be back in San Diego... but it's only another 4 weeks til I'm back home agian. Plus, I have a family here too, and I'm thankful for that as well.

11.22.10

I love today.

I love today because I finally had the chance to sleep in until 8:30.

I love today because it is currently 60 degrees outside and the sun is shinning. My absolute favorite kind of weather. It is perfect for the boots, coat, and scarf I'm currently wearing and doesn't call for an umbrella to be lugged around or a hoodie to be worn.

I love today because I didn't have to work this morning so I'm currently sitting in Aromas listening to Jim Brickman on Pandora and leisurely reading over my theory notes.

I love today because it is the day before I get to go home and see my family, and two days before Disneyland with Margo.

I love today because yesterday was a great day. I sat in Starbucks enjoying every bit of my time there studying for my theory test and people watching. And then I got to see a friend I've been secretly missing.

I love today because there's left over pizza for lunch and crack cookies in the CASA office.

I love today because despite my midterm and quiz I have to take tomorrow, I don't feel an ounce of stress.

I love today because I feel pretty and smiley and relatively happy. And I haven't felt this way in a while.

I love today because it's only 11:ooam and things can only get better from this point on.

The only thing that could possibly make me love today any more is if I had a giant pile of leaves to play in :) I miss Chicago!

Happy Monday Everyone. I hope you're enjoying it as much as I am.

SEARCH XXVI

I've attempted to blog 8 times in the past 5 days and came up with nothing. I've seemed to have lost my creative energy, but because I felt a weekly update was necessary this is what I've managed...

I wish it were April 23rd today, and that I was packing my bags in nervous excitement eager to board the bus that would mark the beginning of the most amazing weekend of my life. A weekend full of more love than I knew what to do with, more tears than I believed I could ever cry, and more community than I realized I had.

I'm jealous of the 60 or so students who are frantically packing their business casual clothes without any idea of why they have to bring them, who are reminding themselves over and over to keep an open mind because that is what they've been told to do, and who are battling a small amount of anxiety because they've been warned that this weekend will change their lives - or at least the rest of their time spent at USD. I'm jealous of these 60 students because these are the feelings I wish were running through my body right now instead of this bad energy I can't seem to shake.

I've had a perfectly pleasant week, perhaps even better than normal (I semi-crashed my dad's car and didn't get in trouble, got 105% on my Stats midterm, and finalized the plans for Hunger and Homelessness Awareness Week!) but I'm bitter, and angry, and sad, and frustrated, and a multitude of other things I can't name. I wish I could turn my brain off for 30 minutes, take a break from thinking, and wondering, and talking myself in and out of feeling a particular way and just sit and listen to witnesses, hold the hand of my best friend, and stay up late at night sitting on bunk beds talking about the weekend we're experiencing.

I'd give almost anything for it to be the weekend of April 23rd today (like being yelled at by my dad for crashing his car instead of the understanding response I received).

I can't go back in time and re-experience the weekend of April 23rd, but I can drink wine and pray for everyone who decided to open their hearts to the experience of SEARCH XXVII. And I can reflect back on my experience, what made it so amazing, and how exactly it changed my life.

T.B.I.Y.T.C

Waiting for cabin assignments!

Family Group reflection!

The perfect group of people to experience the perfect weekend with!

Meet Matty

I don't know what I would do without this boy... or his family for that matter.

At 6:30 I told Matty I needed a friend and by 8:00 I was sitting on his couch holding his new puppy surrounded by his family. If ever I felt more loved by people I'm not blood related to I don't recall. Not only did they occupy my brain with pointless conversation and snap random pictures of me playing with Chubs, but made me a full dinner (steak, salad, corn, bread, and peppermint ice cream!) after I grabbed a water bottle and some crackers to snack on.

I could see how tired Matty was but he talked to me anyways. Listening to every pointless thing I had to say and adding in awkward comments here and there to make me laugh. He reassured me that it was okay that I feel nothing right now and that he would be around when the time came when I faced the sadness I can't seem to find.

We are very different people, Matty and me. I'm affectionate and emotional and he's basically a rock (I'm constantly telling him he gives terrible hugs, and make him hug me until he does it right). But he gets me. He knows how to respond to my manic moments and my ridiculously depressive ones. He picks up the pieces when my life falls apart and grounds me when I need it. He doesn't spit advice at me or tell me how to respond in situations, in fact, he is constantly trying to empower me to figure things out on my own.

Matty is my person.

I don't know where I'd be without him.

Actually I do...

I'd probably be in the library

because after all

I used to be library girl.

Six People With One Thing In Common

Recently I've been the recipient of so much love.

I've realized that each person in my life expresses their love in a different way.

I don't mean love in the romantic kind of way.

Rather, the love of friendship, of family, of showing someone how important they are even in their worst state.

I am loved.

By more than one person.

In many different ways.

The six people pictured below helped me survive my weekend.

They expressed love the only way they knew how given the circumstances.

I am forever thankful for each one of them.

Because today the sun is shining.

I have a smile on my face.

And my stress for the week is non-existent.

I feel alive and I am free.

Thank you for carrying me to the parking lot, giving me 3 minutes, and screaming back at me. Thank you for listening to me cry, dragging me out of my house, and making me dinner. Thank you for letting me borrow shoes, share incredibly detailed stories with you, and curl up in a ball on your couch and watch romantic comedies. :)

Thank you for your simple words. They put a world of love in my heart. "I didn't want to be there with them because I only wanted to be with you. I only like being here with you." Also, you are probably the funniest person I have ever met in my entire life. Thank you for keeping me laughing. For helping me pick out shoes and dresses and making my room smell like alcohol. :)

Thank you for recognizing my sadness but not questioning it, for putting your arms around me and holding me, and for being silly at the perfect times. Thank you for wanting to be near me, for making me smile, and for challenging me. Thank you for distracting me from homework, for being a positive stress reliever, and for phone calls :)

Thank you for your kindness. It is unbelievable. Thank you for dropping my homework off for me, for driving with me to pick up my sister, and re-watching Modern Family with me every week because I haven't seen it yet. Thank you for letting me choose movies, for morning messages left on the bathroom mirror, and acting like a puppy when I leave for class or work in the mornings. You are the best roomie I could have asked for! :)

Mommmmmmy! Thank you for skyping with me 3 times in 2 days, for answering my 100 phone calls, and getting me to calm down. For helping me create a halloween costume, finding me shoes on your lunch break, shopping for dresses at Free People, and knowing me better than I know myself. I can't wait until Thursday when we spend the day together, and giggle about how ridiculous my life is. I miss you so much, and I love you even more! :)

I am filled with love right now.

It is emanating out of my pores.

And shining through my eyes.

Thank you for your love.

And allowing me to love you back.