I began this post over a year ago - July 7, 2010 to be exact - and just now came upon it while reading through the 20-or-so entries I've yet to post. I don't remember the comment that my former roommate made nor can I recall the exact conversation that I had with the boy who fulfilled his role as my 'crush' remarkably well (for he did indeed crush... my spirit that is), but on the night of the 4th of July, after swimming in the ocean, consuming an unadvisable amount of alcohol, watching the fireworks, and fighting with my childhood best friend, I found myself on the steps of my tiny beach house engaged in the sort of conversation I live for.
An unexpected conversation with an unusual subject along with a single comment made by my roommate turned my life upside down in the best possible way.
My conversations with both of these people led me to question:
Who are we really at any given moment?
How do we define ourselves - by our actions, dreams, intentions?
Am I the same Taylor at this very moment that I was a few nights ago on my front porch at 2:30am?
When will I know that I have become the person I've been dreaming up? That I've aspired for so long to be?
How do we change the aspects of ourselves that we could do without? How long does it take to rid ourselves of them? Will they ever truly be gone?
I'm a thinker, but by now you've probably realized that. These questions run around in my head like my preschoolers run around the gym floor... over and over and over again.
If you were ever to ask me who I am, I would probably tell you who I am becoming.
And if you were to ever ask me who I am becoming, I would most likely let you know who I want to be.
Because at any given moment I'm not exactly positive of who I am.
But if you were to ask...
I may convince you that I am kind to a fault, and a well versed empathetic. I would relay my passions of helping the homeless and filling my brain with all the knowledge it can possibly hold. I could show you just how silly I am and why people constantly laugh at/with me for no particular reason at all.
And if you decided to see for yourself...
You would witness my sad smile and sparkling eyes and see how much my 5'1" frame truly holds. You would experience my awkwardness and my tendency to complain about pointless things. And if you were lucky enough, you would notice that my anger is non-existent and my energy unavoidable.
But my empathy and smile, energy and eyes, are just mere aspects of who I am, and vary from day to day. There are moments when my smile isn't quite so sad, and my eyes as dull as a 9:00 -5:00 office job.
However, a few nights ago, while sitting on my front porched in the middle of the night conversing with a good friend, I felt as if I were exactly the person I wanted to be in that particular moment.
Maybe there are particular moments in our lives that help to define us. Or maybe there are particular versions of ourselves for given circumstances.
We can't always be happy or sad. Full of dreams or entirely apathetic. But there are situations that call for such emotions; states of mind. And perhaps being true to those feelings, and accepting the moments of clarity and chaos for what they are allows us to define ourselves.
...
Simply living from the inside out.
Today I am Taylor. Reminiscent but content. Dreaming of a different life yet enjoying a movie, the presence of my roommate, and a large glass of wine. Today I am passionate about children, loving, and eager to please. I am sporting that same sad smile and sparkling eyes that most days define me. Tomorrow is a new day, and I will be a new Taylor, always and forever striving to be the person I know I want to become.
