I am not sure how or why, but I am a magnetic field for awkwardness.
It finds me wherever I go and there is no escaping it!
When your mind wanders off and you're caught in a daze thinking up the worst possible scenarios that you could imagine yourself in
... They are happening to me.
When you are gossiping with your friends and find yourself saying through uncontrollable giggles
"Wouldn't it be humilating to walk up to the podium and not get an award?"
"What if you got on the airplane and had to sit next to his mom!"
"I would just die if he found out we were talking about him!"
"Oh my gosh, I seriously hope I don't run into so-and-so, that would be terrible!"
... Yup, you guessed it. They are happening to me.
Folks, your worst nightmares are absolutely my reality!
I really did walk up to the podium in front of hundreds of people to get a medal I didn't earn at a gymnastics competition. I thought they had called my name but because I was so focused on my fist full of goldfish crackers I couldn't hear correctly and embarrassed the living hell out of my 6 year old self.
And the summer after my Sophomore year in college I flew to DC to spend a week with some family. On the way home at the airport in... Texas maybe... I was last to board the plane and take my assigned seat. (It is important that you know I hadn't showered that morning or managed to run a brush through my hair.) As I quickly pushed my belongings under my seat and opened my novel to start reading, the lady sitting next to me noticed my sweatshirt and asked if I attended USD. We got to talking. Turns out... she's the mother of this boy I once dated - who refused to introduce me to his family. I mean, what are the chances I sit next to my ex boyfriends mom on a 4 hour flight from Texas to Ontario Airport? I, entirely mortified, read my novel cover to cover to avoid talking to her about her son and the terrible way he treats women.
In college I had a crush on one of my professors. Actually, a crush, is being too modest. I had a debilitating crush on one of my professors, to the point where I could barely respond to his questions of my well being without my palms getting sweaty and my heart beating through my chest. He wore a short sleeve shirt to class one day, showing the tiniest bit of his mysterious tattoo, not to mention, he was being totally charming that day. I turned to the girl who sat behind me and started gossiping about said teacher when he says, "Ms. Gailing, care to share with the class what you and Ms. Wright are laughing about?" I almost peed my pants.
But most notably, most horrifying and humiliating, and perhaps most likely to drive me to run my car off the pier... the grand finale of all circumstances I could possibly find myself in happened yesterday. While all of you were enjoying your Memorial Day I was taking shots of tequila to keep the giggles down and my sarcasm from spewing out of my mouth.
I was sitting with some friends enjoying margaritas and appetizers on the patio of a delicious restaurant in PB when in walks in the boy I most recently dated and the girl he is currently dating (boy started dating girl roughly a week after we ended things.). They decide to sit at the table directly to the left of me. I downed what was left of my drink, got the giggles, banged my head against the table, and tried to make myself invisible. It didn't work. The next thing I heard was TAYLOR! come out of the mouth of the boy who I'd tried my best to hate and was unsuccessful until yesterday. I reluctantly turned around and responded with Ummmmm Hi???
Then...
Current girlfriend turns around.
I flash her my best fake smile and cover my face with my curly hair.
She goes to the bathroom.
He continues to stare.
I feel a hole burning in the back of my head.
I turn around.
We make small talk.
She returns and caresses him.
And then I ever so desperately ask my friends if they would buy me a shot of tequila to ease the pain.
They agree.
They ask the waiter, "Can we get her a shot of Tequila?"
He asks "Do you all want one?"
They respond, "No just her"
We have an audience.
Of course, we have an audience.
I flash another fake smile.
He says goodbye.
They leave.
I can't look up.
Honestly. What are the chances? Of all the places to go to eat, of all the hours in a single day, it had to be 4 o'clock and a table away.
I've learned to laugh at my extreme lack of good luck/excessive amount of bad luck. Because encounters like these allow me to revel in my awkwardness, they give me reasons to take shots of tequila, and justify my roaming around PB taking pictures and cursing certain individuals.
I wish I could avoid said boy and his girlfriend. But God knows I'll make an ass out of myself again Thursday night and tequila won't be available until hours after this anticipated awkward encounter...
So pour me a shot, I'll be waiting.
Post tequila adventures:
